haha finally found a place to vent.. not to public.. but perfect for my 2011 diary entries!! i can bitch and carry on complaining.. with soo much rooom wooooooooohh =)
keep watching guys! once a wk i shall be updating my diary entries a insight on my feelings thoughts and events for the week! =)

here it goes..

despite such a dramatic and sad beginning, my life has been a positve one so far. i credit my mother for that. She wrapped me in a blanket of love and endeavoured to make my life as 'normal' as possible, one that wasnt clouded with sadness even though she went through some really tough times. As happy as ive been, the loss of a parent in your life can be so virceral at times. Il see a father reach out with a protective hand for his daughter and it would feel like someone stabbed a knife in my side. when a friend tells me her dad helped her file her taxes, out of nowhere comes a flash of envy or jealousy.
Over the years, I have learnt how to push the feelings down swiftly,but, like everything you try and run away from they always catchup with you. Recently all emotions associated withh= this have come back to surface. Im not sure if i can attribute this to a rough time ive had the past 12 months or that fact that what cant kill you can only make you stronger, But whenever my fathers name is mentioned unchecked tears stream down my face. Some people say its better to have lost your dad then a absent one, but thats something i never wana knw. Right now im just trying to develop a new coping mechanism and i have no doubt that il return to my emotionally strong self soon..
But this strong face we all put on.. behind it lies alot.. tears of a weak girl.. the pain of a hurt girl...
with never having a male figure in my life.. a dad, brother, uncles or even granparents around.. i have no idea what its like growing up under a protected hand.. every male i meet now i try look for a father a brother someone who can tell me to just shutup and sit down.. someone who will have it all under control.. someone who will do a better job then me at being the man of the house. but for some reason it al feels useless.. maturity just doesnt seem to hit the male species.. dont know if i shuld start complaining there LOL.. or els il be here forever...

anyways i dont wana get to emo on my first post.. so thats a lil insight to my lifee.. trust me itz not all that dark.. hehe i shall be geting to the rest sometime soonn..
til then take care
x